HOW THE WOUNDS OF CHRIST HEAL MARRIAGE

Saint Francis of Assisi catches the blood of 

Christ from the wounds by Carlo Crivelli

In the Gospel reading this past weekend the apostle, Thomas, touches the wounds of Christ. Jesus did this for several reasons (1) to show us that he did indeed rise for the dead, and that he is not a ghost; (2) to strengthen Thomas' (and us) in our faith; (3) to make sure we never forget what we did to him on the Cross. When Jesus rose from the dead his marks remained; even in the resurrection we are reminded of the Cross. We should never forget the wounds of our Lord that were caused by our sins, but we often do. The wounds of Christ have been healed to the extent that Thomas can now touch his wounds without causing pain.

A healed wound is called a scar, a piece of flesh that has been injured through some kind of traumatic means and then healed, but it never remains the same after the injury. The scar remains on the body, so that body can remember its injury, thereby not committing the same act that caused the injury in the first place. If one of the kids are running in the house, trips and falls, and then gets wounded, hopefully, every time they see the scar they will remember not run in the house again. Jesus' wounds or "marks" (Jn 20:25) according the CERSV, remind us not to commit the same injury to Christ again by our sins. Scars are a type of permanent mark that remind us of the past so as not repeat it in the future. Jesus' "marks" provide a balance for us, in that, we can rejoice that he has forgiven us of our sins and he has healed us of the pain we caused him; but we must never forget that we caused him that pain in the first place. 

Many couples enter marriage with open wounds that have not been healed, and often their spouse is unaware of this. In the beginning of our marriage, I would mention something in casual conversation, only to find out 10 seconds later that I just entered Mad Max's Thunderdome, and only one of us is leaving the conversation alive. The problem is that our wounds are like landmines, in the sense that we are unaware of our own personal wounds until someone else triggers them, which is usually our spouse. It is not until Amanda says something to me, that I realize I was wounded in a particular area of my life.

When spouses inadvertently open each other's wounds it causes great tension within the house, the couple literally feels like they are walking through a minefield when they come home. The spouses almost never talk to each other, or least nothing meaningful. The conversation between the spouses becomes superficial and business minded, such as: what needs to be done today, what is each other's schedule, what's for dinner, etc. This results in the spouses becoming co-workers and the home becomes just another workplace.

Christ wasn't afraid to show his wounds to St. Thomas, and in fact Jesus challenged Thomas to put his hands into his side. Christ was willing to be vulnerable to Thomas and to the apostles even after his crucifixion, Christ didn't shy away from showing his wounds. One of the ways I see Amanda imitating Christ in our marriage is when she shows me her emotional wounds over and over again, time after time, always taking the risk of getting hurt again and again. Often by doing so, I respond negatively and yet she still forgives me. I find it so humbling that after 15 years of marriage I can clearly know her emotional wounds, and yet I still have to "test" her patience to see if she was truly wounded, like Thomas putting his hand into the side of Jesus in order to believe. I am so humbled that after all these years Amanda is still willing to be vulnerable to me with her emotional wounds, and yet because of my spiritual amnesia, I so quickly forget. This is where we see imperfection of human marriage on this side of the beatific vision.

I find it so humbling that after 15 years of marriage, I still, quickly forget her emotional wounds after she offers me forgiveness. Thus, the wounds remain, and the landmines are still there, which is why couples always feel that when they argue, it's about the same thing over and over again. You know what I am talking about, that argument that feels like it will never be resolved. This occurs because we have forgotten the emotional wounds of our spouse. When they show us their wounds to us, and we have forgotten them, the same argument always incurs.

More so than marriage, we so quickly forget the wounds of Christ once he offers us forgiveness. I go to Confession admitting that I crucified my King, and his unfathomable mercy is offered to me, only to forget about it within a week or two. Soon afterwards I am needing once again to put my hand into Christ's side in the sacrament of Confession, remembering that I gave him those wounds. This past weekend we celebrated Divine Mercy Sunday, and Christ's unfathomable mercy, only to forget it until next year. How often do we forget our Lenten sacrifices that caused us to grow in virtue, only forget them at Easter and go back to our vices.

The only way to break this cycle is through remembering the wounds of Christ, even in the time of the resurrection. Even in the good times of marriage we must remember the wounds that were caused through past arguments, never to repeat them again, so that the wounds can heal and become scars. Of course I am terrible at doing this, and our arguments often get repeated; however, when I remember the past, the present argument becomes less volatile and more disarming, and each time more and more healing takes place. When we remember the hurt we caused our spouse, even when things are going well, those emotional wounds that surface can be healed through words of comfort, compassion, and mercy. This will result in the wound becoming a scar, something to remind us past, but without future pain.

A couple can know when wounds have become scars, when the couple is able to talk (and maybe even joke) openly and honestly about past wounds without resentment. When spouses can talk about their emotional scars, they can remember the past emotional hurt but there no longer any pain. This results in strengthening other couples who want to believe that a successful marriage is still possible today, even when there are many wounds in their marriage. There is always hope, and Christ shows us this with Thomas who doubted, so long as we remember his wounds in the midst of the resurrection.

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