Only the Cross can save a Marriage - A Holy Week Reflection

My wife, Mandy, and I recently celebrated our fifteenth anniversary.  That's correct! We got married during Lent what better way to celebrate marriage then to pick  up one's cross and follow Christ. So what did we do on this milestone anniversary? I taught class in the evening, and Mandy took the kids to their choir concert. We both got home late, exhausted, said our wedding vows to each other, kissed each other goodnight, and went to bed. Ah yes, the cross, they don't teach this in marriage preparation classes.

Marriage is the cross, marriage can either be heavy and burdensome feeling the weight crush you to death, or....no wait, there is no "or", sorry.  Thank you Jesus, that there is no "or", thank you Jesus, that marriage is the cross. What separates a good marriage from a bad marriage is one simple question: are both spouses willing to embrace and kiss the cross each and every day. 

The cross is my sure salvation

The cross I ever adore

The cross of my Lord is with me

The cross is my refuge

-St. Thomas Aquinas

Every marriage is given a cross, and some marriages have much heavier crosses than others, but how many times have I evaded the cross, how many times have I evaded my responsibilities as a father and husband, how many times have I sought salvation and refuge in something other than the cross. How is it that we are able to find joy in this heavy cross, Christ is the only answer:

"The married couple are therefore a permanent reminder for the Church of what took place on the cross; they are for one another and for their children witnesses of the salvation in which they share through the sacrament. (72)...with the grace of the Holy Spirit, [the spouses] grow in holiness through married life, also by sharing in the mystery of Christ’s cross, which transforms difficulties and sufferings into an offering of love”. (Amoris Laetitia 317)

Christ and the cross are always to be the center points of marriage. This why marriage is a vocation.  I cannot even begin to count how many times the crosses in our marriage have been moments of transformative of love.   However, when we run from the responsibilities of being a family, we found ourselves lonely, disheartened, and most especially disconnected with one another.  The cross is what builds a marriage, so embrace it.

In my own self-absorption when mediating on the cross this Lent, I would often think of my own cross first before considering Mandy's cross, but recently the following passage came to my mind:

"And those who passed by derided him, shaking their heads saying...'save yourself come down from the cross!'" (Mk 15:29-30)

The crowd tempted Jesus to take the easy way out, how often do we want to take the easy way out in marriage.  Just as the crowd tempts Jesus to come down from the cross, so to does the world tempt spouses to leave their marriage and come down from the cross of marriage, because they believe the lie that, "it would be better that way."  

I often reflect upon how many times Mandy carried her cross, and instead of helping her, I would simply mock her like the passing crowd at Calvary by saying, "Don't worry about it, it's not a big deal, your cross is not that heavy, what are you complaining about, my cross is much heavier.  Why don't you drop your cross and help carry mine."  Now, I often think of how many times I derided my wife, without even knowing it, while she suffered upon the cross.  How many times have I told her to, "save yourself, it's your problem not mine," without realizing I was the one who put her there. 

At other times, when I watched Mandy carrying her cross I would find myself wanting to be Simon of Cyrene, and I would tell her I would "fix everything", only to find myself crushed and incapacitated by weight of her responsibilities, along with my own. Trying to be a Simon of Cyrene has always been my "go to" response when I saw Mandy weighed down by the responsibilities of marriage.  Unfortunately, this often  ended in disaster, and instead of fixing things I made things worse.

A perfect example was this past week, Mandy talked to me about some of her crosses, and my immediate response was to fix them, which resulted us going to Mass together with her totally mad at me. After coming home from Mass, I tried a different tactic,  maybe instead of being Simon, I should be someone else.  How about Veronica, who wiped the face of Jesus.  Veronica, could by no means carry Jesus' cross, but she could wipe away his tears and offer him kindness.  This approach was much more powerful, when we talked after Mass.

One of the most difficult crosses a father faces is watching his wife and children carry their crosses and not being able "fix things" for them.  Its humbling as a father to realize that I cannot carry the cross of my son's frustration.  I can not carry my daughter's cross of struggling with her schoolwork.  I can not carry my other daughter's cross of anxiety. I can not carry my wife's crosses.  In all humility I am discovering this Lent that I can no longer be a Simon of Cyrene, like I used to be, but now as my children grow older, I am discovering I am called to be Veronica, and offer them some small act of comfort as they grow into the teenage years, and now they need to carry their own crosses.

Yes, marriage is the cross, but if we are willing to embrace the cross we begin to find the joy of the resurrection in marriage.  Only in the cross do spouses find joy in marriage and families.  The resurrection doesn't happen in the first few years of marriage, but only towards the end of marriage, when the spouses have gone through many trials and tribulations. After fifteen years of marriage, and seeing how we have grown, I am starting to get only a glimpse of the resurrection joy of our marriage, and it is beyond any joy that I could have imagined.