The Dark Night of Marriage

St. John of the Cross' "Dark Night of the Soul" is probably one of the most well known spiritual works given to us in the Catholic Church. In his writing, St. John of the Cross presents two parts of the dark night. The first part is called "the dark night of the senses" which is common for beginners who are on their way to seeking holiness and perfection. The second part is called, "the dark night of the soul" which is much more rare, and it is usually only the saints who are called to this kind of purgation.

The purpose of these puragations (and please note I am understating and oversimplifying this idea) is to ween the soul away from spiritual gifts and to be in love with the giver of the gifts, in this case Christ himself.

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It must be known, then, that the soul, after it has been definitely converted to the service of God, is, as a rule, spiritually nurtured and caressed by God, even as is the tender child by its loving mother, who warms it with the heat of her bosom and nurtures it with sweet milk and soft and pleasant food, and carries it and caresses it in her arms; but, as the child grows bigger, the mother gradually ceases caressing it, and, hiding her tender love, puts bitter aloes upon her sweet breast, sets down the child from her arms and makes it walk upon its feet, so that it may lose the habits of a child and betake itself to more important and substantial occupations. The loving mother is like the grace of God, for, as soon as the soul is regenerated by its new warmth and fervour for the service of God, He treats it in the same way; He makes it to find spiritual milk, sweet and delectable, in all the things of God, without any labour of its own, and also great pleasure in spiritual exercises, for here God is giving to it the breast of His tender love, even as to a tender child. (Bk I. ch 1 par 2)

As children of God, we still struggle with concupiscence. Like all children, we grow attached to things very easily. In the beginning of the spiritual life it is easy to cling to the consolations that God gives us, but if we are to grow spiritually, we must be able to give up these delights for the divine. Therefore if we are to grow closer to God, we must mortify our senses, the same is true for marriage. If we want to grow in marriage we must give up romance for intimacy.

Of course St. John of the Cross if referring to the soul's desire for grace, and that grace at first can be consoling, as time continues, God still gives us grace but the consolation part of grace goes away. The grace that Christ continues to feed us with is sanctifying grace, and often, nothing is felt or experienced when one receives sanctifying grace. The consolation aspect of grace is an actual grace, which can often be felt or experienced, but it is not necessary to obtain heaven. Everyone is called to grow into the spiritual life by seeking sanctifying grace, and forgoing actual grace according to the will of God, so that we begin to love the beloved (sanctifying grace) with or without the spiritual gifts (actual grace).

Marriage undergoes a similar type of purgation from romance to intimacy. At the beginning of marriage there is a sense of romance. Every experience is new and exciting, and these experiences are good because they motivate us to go further into the relationship. But at some point every marriage should go deeper, and to go beyond the sensual desires that occur through romance. This is the period in marriage when the couple thinks to themselves, that the romance is dead, and that there is something wrong with the marriage. However there is nothing wrong with the marriage. Often times the couple attempts to rekindle the romance and try to go back to the way things were at the beginning of their marriage, as if there is something wrong . 

For a couple to think that they need to rekindle romance in order to have a good marriage, is the like a soul going through the dark night of the senses and thinking that it has to go back to receiving the spiritual gifts at the beginning stages its conversion: 

They are like someone who turns from what has already been done in order to do it again, or like one who leaves a city only to re-enter it, or they are like a hunter who abandons the prey in order to hunt again. (Bk I Ch 10.1)

Yes, romance is important for a marriage but it cannot keep a marriage going forever, so do not look back. Eventually romance fizzles out, much like the consolation of spiritual gifts, and the couple is called to love each other beyond the sensual delights, or what I like to call the begining "Dark Night of Marriage". 

The dark night of marriage is a purgation time in marriage where the both spouses ask themselves the question, "What do I do when my spouse no longer brings me happiness?" or worse, we may look at our spouse more as a burden than blessing (hopefully not). This is time period in marriage when the couple may feel that romance is gone. What occurs is a fear that something wrong, take heart, there is nothing wrong but it is a time for growth towards holiness. 

According to St. John of the Cross, one of the benefits of going through the dark night of the senses is to becomes self-aware of one's own misery, not so we can remain in the misery, but rather so that the soul can "commune with God more respectfully and courteously, the way one should converse with the most Most High" (Bk I Ch 12.3). Similarly when we are purged in the dark night of marriage we can recognize our own misery, so that we can be humbled and treat our spouse with more love and respect.  As I have grown in marriage, the more I recognized my own brokenness and had to make sacrifices, for example I began to speak to Mandy with kindness and gentleness.  Notice I said "kindness and gentleness" not romantic language, not flattery or seductive language, but a language that is honest wrapped in love, deep fried in sincerity.

In short, the purpose of the dark night is to appreciate the giver more than the gift, through one's own unworthiness.  In marriage when couples go through dark times the spouses should come out on the other end respecting the other more.  The dark night of marriage is not something couples should run away from, but rather something to be embraced, knowing that the purgation couples endure in marriage is a means toward their salvation.